Expert Voices: Supporting Your Mental Health Through Infertility

Infertility affects more people than we think—and the emotional toll can be overwhelming.

This Fertility Awareness Week, it’s important to acknowledge that infertility isn’t just a medical condition—it’s a deeply personal experience that can impact mental health, relationships, and overall wellbeing. Dr. Marie-Alexia Allard, PhD, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility and perinatal care, explores the complex emotions that come with infertility, the stress of treatments, and ways to navigate this journey with self-compassion and support.

Whether you’re experiencing infertility yourself or supporting someone who is, this blog offers expert insights and practical strategies to help you cope with the challenges.

The World Health Organization defines infertility as a disease of the male and female reproductive system and the failure to achieve pregnancy after 12 months to 24 months of regular, unprotected sexual intercourse, or the incapacity to carry a full-term pregnancy. Primary infertility is the failure to conceive, while secondary infertility is the incapacity to conceive after one or more previous pregnancies resulted in the birth of a child. Infertility is a public health issue affecting 1 in 6 couples in Canada and the United States.

It should be noted that “social infertility” is defined as the impossibility of biologically conceiving because of one’s relationship status, for example, in the case of a single woman or same-sex couple.

Causes of infertility

Infertility is attributable to both men and women. About 45% of infertility cases are due to male factors such as poor sperm quality, absence or low level of sperm, or a hormonal imbalance. A similar portion of cases are due to female factors such as age, ovary dysfunctions, premature menopause, or other pelvic issues, including endometriosis or fallopian tube obstruction. About 10% of cases remain inexplicable, meaning the results of various medical tests fail to show any anomalies.

Infertility cases have doubled since 1980. This rise in cases can be attributed to the fact that people have children later in life, but also to our lifestyle and exposure to environmental factors.

The desire to become a parent

There are a multitude of reasons why individuals would choose to become parents and start a family like the desire to strengthen the bond of love, to experience pregnancy, to pass on what one has received, to help a human being grow and thrive, to perpetuate family traditions, or to pass on one’s genetic heritage, to name a few.

The desire to be a parent, whether you’re single or in a couple, is very often part of the life ideals of many human beings. It’s a desire generally described as strong, powerful, and profound.

In her book entitled “Living with Infertility”, Susan Bermingham writes: “It is not only normal and commonplace but also legitimate, to desire to give birth and to feel deprived of a part of oneself when one cannot beget.”

“Infertility can lead to a crisis, raising questions about identity and existential issues: what are we going to do with our lives if we never become parents?”

Living with infertility

Infertility can lead to a crisis, raising questions about identity and existential issues: what are we going to do with our lives if we never become parents? Infertility is often described as a destabilizing experience because it disrupts people’s life plans. No one imagines having to go through a series of examinations, tests, and medical treatments to become a parent.

While ART procedures (assisted reproductive technology) give hope to many couples and individuals experiencing infertility, they can prove to be physically demanding and involve difficult emotions and multiple grieving. Couples and individuals confronted with infertility describe the use of assisted reproductive techniques as a series of “emotional rollercoasters” to go through. These people experience a range of emotions from sadness to guilt, anger, helplessness, incomprehension, a sense of injustice, and often a loss of self-esteem. Alongside these feelings are moments of joy, hope, and confidence in the future.

While these emotions are both normal and legitimate, the back and forth between them is exhausting and can have repercussions on the conjugal, social, and professional functioning of women and men. Couples can experience a discrepancy in the way they both experience infertility and the use of assisted reproductive techniques, which is normal but can be hard on a relationship. Friends and family can be awkward and misunderstand what it’s like to face the difficulties of conceiving a child. Work-life can be complicated when there’s a need to take time off for treatments, justify oneself to an employer, and make up for missed hours.

The fear of judgment can also be a heavy burden for people undergoing fertility treatment.

Here are some tips to help you through your fertility journey and feel supported and understood:

• Seek information from reliable sources and medical professionals you trust. Don’t hesitate to ask questions, you can even prepare some in advance to feel prepared and have realistic expectations about treatments.
• Seek support by sharing your experiences with friends who experienced similar difficulties. It could help you feel understood and supported. You can also share your experiences on social groups dedicated to couples experiencing difficulties in conceiving.
• Allow yourself to take breaks: it’s up to each individual to find their pace throughout this process. Many women and couples feel a legitimate sense of urgency, but it rarely allows them to find the space to fully live their emotions, to think about the different steps involved, or to take stock of where both individuals are at in this process.
• Seek professional help: Psychological support can help you find a sympathetic ear, think about ways of better coping with treatment, manage the stress associated with it, and find a balance between the place treatment takes and other life projects.
• Practice self-compassion: recognize that infertility and fertility treatments generate a lot of stress. Experiencing a wide range of emotions is absolutely normal and expected.
• Be kind to yourself and give yourself the right to live these emotions, to find this journey difficult, to feel discouraged. No one goes through infertility free of stress and with a smile on their face. Many patients fear that giving space to these emotions could have an impact on the chances of success after treatment: there is no evidence to this day showing such a link.
• Take care of yourself: make yourself your priority by allowing yourself some simple daily pleasures like reading, listening to music, gardening, hiking, shopping, exercising, etc.
• Set boundaries: you are allowed to skip some family gatherings where you know you’ll get questions about kids. A couple in their childbearing age without children always brings up some questions. Rehearsing your answer in advance can help and avoid feeling distressed during those family gatherings.

Take your mind off things to experience moments of calm:

• Incorporate relaxing activities in your routine, like yoga, meditation, and breathing techniques such as cardiac coherence. You can also find meditation apps to guide you.
• Work on other positive and stimulating projects to feel in control in other aspects of your life.

Infertility can be a deeply emotional journey, and the right support can make all the difference. Want to give your employees and members access to expert-led mental health and fertility resources? LifeSpeak helps organizations and health plans provide trusted, on-demand support so their people can navigate life’s challenges with confidence. Book a demo to learn more.

About the author: Dr. Marie-Alexia Allard, PhD, Psychologist

Dr. Marie-Alexia Allard is a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, perinatal mental health, and parenting. She holds a doctorate in clinical psychology from Université de Montréal and completed postdoctoral studies at Université du Québec à Montréal. A member of the Ordre des Psychologues du Québec since 2012, Dr. Allard consults for fertility clinics in Montreal and teaches at Université du Québec à Montréal. She provides psychological support for individuals and couples navigating infertility, assisted reproduction, and perinatal loss, as well as those experiencing anxiety or depression during pregnancy and postpartum.