Ask the Experts: Managing Challenging Family Dynamics Around the Holidays
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy and relaxation, but the reality can be more complex.
Alongside the usual stressors of busy work schedules, packed personal agendas, financial constraints, and logistical challenges, navigating family dynamics during the holidays can be particularly challenging.
From keeping the kids entertained to managing sibling stress, dealing with divorce dynamics, trying to please in-laws, and facing relationship struggles, life can feel messy for many during this time.
LifeSpeak Mental Health and Resilience, a product of LifeSpeak Inc., offers monthly Ask the Expert sessions on a variety of topics, as well as four-day Ask the Expert marathons four times per year. Among the many topics covered, challenging family dynamics has consistently been a popular subject, especially in the lead-up to the holidays in recent years.
If any of these situations resonate, check out the expert advice below. Our experts include Allison Villa, Registered Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert, Catherine Mattice, International Speaker, Consultant, and Coach, and Jennifer Kolari, Child and Family Therapist.
Let’s dive in!
Navigate: Adult sibling stress
Question
I don’t get along with my siblings. We’re all adults now but have very different personalities and we can never seem to agree on anything. How can I handle having to spend days with them over the holidays?
Answer
Setting boundaries is an act of love. Take some time to get clear on how much you want to see your siblings over the holidays, then communicate that in a loving way. When you are pushed beyond your boundaries, that is how resentment builds. Avoid resentment by knowing your boundaries and communicating with them. Consider different options – maybe seeing siblings every other year – take the time to figure out what feels best for you.
Allison Villa, Registered Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert
Question
I am honestly not looking forward to being around the family and siblings this Christmas. None of us get along when we are spending lots of time with each other. Everyone is sensitive and set on their opinion. Our relationships are healthier with the distance. What could I do to cope with that? In the past, the strategy was for me to remain quiet, which seemed to work. However, it just turns me into a quiet person.
Answer
I can feel that you are deeply in tune with your own experience and empathetic to your family, too. I’m curious if you’re quiet with your family because you want to avoid conflict or if you tend to be a quiet person in general? Sometimes, recognizing the “why” of your behavior can help to release the power it may hold over you. You can explore ways to find your voice before Christmas so that you begin to change the pattern of being “the quiet one”. Have a phone conversation with one or two of your family members ahead of time, and then continue those conversations when you’re in-person. Since those relationships tend to feel more comfortable when at a distance, is there a way for you to find joy in the brief time you do spend together? Sometimes an organized activity, like a game, can help to give direction to the event and can prevent falling into old patterns. Patterns change when one person (or more) does one thing differently. By bringing a new activity to Christmas Day, you can change the negative cycles. Explore activities or games that you could introduce to your family. It may not change the whole day, but it may provide some ease in the day for all of you.
Allison Villa, Registered Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert
Navigate: Divorce dynamics
Question
My parents have been divorced since I was 10, and I now have my own teenagers. Every year, my mother expects us to spend Christmas with her and gets angry when I choose to spend it with my father. She says she wants to see the grandkids. This makes me very uncomfortable and angry – this is the legacy of divorce, and is not my fault. How can I explain this to her?
Answer
I’ve been there, I know that’s hard. I think in this case you just have to put your foot down and say, “This is what I’m going to do, and I’m not going to discuss this with you again. Period. Conversation over.” Of course, this will all come out politely and respectfully. During this conversation, let her know that while you understand it is hurtful for her that you aren’t there with her every Christmas, it is hurtful for you that she puts that expectation on you. Again, this is one of those “this is how it’s going to be, and don’t ask me again” kind of conversations. If you don’t do that with her, she’ll continue to ask. You have to set boundaries, even if your boundaries might hurt her. In the end, it’s not you hurting her; it’s her own perception of the situation that’s causing her pain. And you can’t fix that for her. That has to be her own issue to solve. Don’t take on her issues.
Catherine Mattice, MA, International Speaker, Consultant, Coach
Navigate: Parents and in-laws
Question
I am struggling to deal with my guilt and depression this holiday season. My mother is in long-term care, and my father is in a retirement home. At this stage, it looks like they will be unable to leave their residences to celebrate Christmas. How do I deal with my feelings of inadequacy because I can’t fix this for them?
Answer
I feel how much you love your parents and want to care for them during this time. It’s hard when these choices are not within your control. I’m curious why you feel that it is your inadequacy that is causing them to be unable to leave their residences? Does this come from within you, or from them? The best gift that you can give your parents is to care for your emotional and physical wellness so that you can bring more joy into their world (whether that is from afar right now, or in person down the road.) Give yourself permission to take care of yourself, and you will have so much more to give to them.
Allison Villa, Registered Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert
Question
How can I effectively deal with in-laws who bring up politically divisive topics during dinner, causing tension at the table due to our differing opinions?
Answer
This is a really tough issue, and a lot of people are worried about this one. I suggest frontloading everyone before the event and agreeing not to talk about politics or other divisive issues. Set the tone that the holidays are for sharing, laughing, and enjoying each other, not arguing. If they start, gently say, “I really get that you have strong views on this, and I can see how much you want to talk about…. Everyone is entitled to their views, but I am going to opt out of this discussion.” Then, try to change the subject or use distraction. Stay neutral and try not to engage. Some family members are looking for the adrenaline rush of an intense argument, so staying calm will make you a very boring opponent. Also, appeal to their good side and find things that you have in common that can also help.
Jennifer Kolari, MSW, RSW Child and Family Therapist
Question
How can I appropriately respond to my in-laws over the holidays when they make passive-aggressive comments towards me?
Answer
Passive-aggressive behavior often occurs when a person lacks power and control. By putting down you, or your ideas, they are attempting to feel above or superior. Understanding this may help you to feel less triggered by their comments. It’s likely not about you, and so much more about them, and their own insecurities. You can choose to respond by speaking your truth with kindness, or by choosing to not engage. Knowing that they will likely make comments, it’s helpful to prepare yourself ahead of time. A simple affirmation statement “It’s not about me, it’s about them,” or imagining yourself in a bubble of white light, can help to protect your own energy.
Allison Villa, Registered Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert
Navigate: Relationship struggles
Question
My partner and I both acknowledge we’ve had short fuses and getting into misunderstandings more often recently, likely due to holiday stress, managing expectations, etc. Can you offer some concrete skills we can implement to avoid the onset of bickering, and how to quickly nip it in the bud when it ensues? We are both willing to work at it, acknowledge it happens, looking for skills on how to implement.
Answer
It’s great that you both want to work at this! Many feelings are heightened during this time – you are not alone in this. I recommend having a Pre-Meltdown Conversation. Have this conversation when you are both in a calm and connected place. Here is what this looks like:
- Make an agreement that when the bickering begins, you will set a timer for 15 minutes, and take a break from each other (this will avoid things escalating.)
- After 15 minutes, you will both be calmer, and be able to discuss things rationally.
- Adjust this agreement in a way that feels right for your couple. What matters is that you make these agreements BEFORE bickering, so that you can access this tool in the heated moment.
Allison Villa, Registered Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert
Question
My spouse finds Christmas very stressful and turns into a Scrooge. I think he tries to find the joy, but gets closed off and snappy. I tend to be the opposite – I love this time of year. What are your tips on finding a balance and helping find peace and joy for both of us?
Answer
My first curiosity is about where your spouse’s stress and irritation are rooted. Christmas often brings up memories and feelings of all sorts (not always joyful), and that’s okay. Is there a childhood memory, or an event that made him feel this way? Even though you may already know the details of why Christmas is triggering for him, asking him about it, and showing that you see him in his experience, can be incredibly meaningful. Making space for his feelings may also allow him to make space for yours – so that you are able to feel joyful about this time of year!
Ask: How can you each take the pressure off of one another, and find acceptance that the holidays won’t be joyful all of the time, but that you will find joyous moments together? This will look different for each couple/family. Start by being genuinely curious about his experience and hopefully, that will bridge meaningful connection for you both.
Allison Villa, Registered Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert
Navigate: Kids and the holidays
Question
What are some ideas for keeping kids entertained over the holidays? Ages 4 and 18 months. It seems there are all these fun activities leading up to the holidays, and then nothing in the week everyone is off!
Answer
The holidays can be fun, but very challenging. I recommend having a schedule. Think of yourself as a camp counsellor. Have the day split up into morning quiet play time, then family activity, then lunch, quiet time, and then a family activity again. Put the calendar up even if they can’t read. You can add some sketches or pictures. Kids love knowing what’s happening next and LOVE schedules. You don’t have to do crazy expensive things; walks, scavenger hunts, and crafts are all great things to do. Building a fort and hide-and-seek are also very fun. For activities, art galleries, museums, and the science center all have planned activities for kids throughout the holidays.
Jennifer Kolari. MSW, RSW Child and Family Therapist
Question
My 2 sons and I are going to be alone. We have no family here and are not visiting anyone. I don’t want them to feel lonely. What are some things to make them feel extra special (without having to buy lots of gifts that I can’t afford)?
Answer
The holidays are about love and being together. Try starting some new traditions like making crafts, a holiday scavenger hunt, or a winter walk with a lantern. You can watch home videos and tell stories about when they were little. Making lists of all of the wonderful things about them can also really help. Connection is medicine, and when you have close moments like this, oxytocin (which is known as the “love drug”) flows along with serotonin, which is responsible for happiness. Gifts and all things kids get release dopamine, which only leads to pleasure. Make this holiday about happiness, which can only come from laughing, snuggling, and being together. It will be the one they remember, I promise.
Jennifer Kolari, MSW, RSW Child and Family Therapist
Question
What are the best ways to set clear boundaries over the holidays (ex. stay home if sick, no kissing my baby boy, etc.) without making things awkward and uncomfortable?
Answer
I love that you want to set clear boundaries! Boundaries are an act of love, to you, and to those you love. When you don’t set boundaries, it often leads to resentment (i.e. You came to my house sick and now I’m sick and I’m resentful towards you.) The clearer you are with your boundaries, the better. Some people have a list of family rules at their front door for when they have a new baby. Regardless of the age of your baby, this is a great way to communicate with clarity for anyone coming to your home (or who you’re visiting). You can also share this same list via email, text, or phone so that there is no room for misunderstandings. You will all feel more relaxed knowing the expectations in advance, so create your list and send it out with ample notice. We often fear that setting boundaries will make people upset; however, it often helps take the guesswork out of social events and can be a relief for many.
Allison Villa, Registered Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert
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